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When you care enough to send the very best

March 23, 2011

Do you think he had to sign the card? Or does she know who it's from?

While searching for an Easter card, my eye was diverted by a whole new type of greeting card on the market I didn’t know existed. I didn’t know there was a need, for example, to write someone a card to say “I like having sex with you.”

I always thought not falling asleep afterwards was compliment enough. Apparently not. Now you can pull out a card after a night of love to express your appreciation. It seems to me this is raising the bar on relationship expectations, and I’m not sure I’m ready for the repercussions, since prior to this, I’ve gotten away with being fairly inarticulate. I make appreciative noises and fall asleep, like everyone, right?

The nice thing about this card, from my perspective, is how handy it was to purchase. First of all, it was available at Fred Meyer, a store I never used to associate with the sex industry. I guess I always thought that I’d have to make more of an effort to procure sexually-oriented greeting cards. It was easy to find if you’re specifically looking for the “fun romance” category, a new section I’ve never noticed before, adjacent to the “just flirting” section. I guess cards expressing appreciation about your sex life up the emotional ante. This card says “thanks for being willing to have sex with me, and I’m not just flirting; I really mean it.”

Then, it was on one of the lowest racks, putting it right at eye level for kids. That’s key, since if you’re shopping with your four year old, and you haven’t yet had the whole ‘birds and bees’ discussion, now’s your chance. “What’s this say, mommy??,” I can hear a little girl’s plaintive high-pitched squealing, as mommy eyes birthday cards for Aunt Ruth. Mommy’s poignant answer might include some invective aimed at the people who stock Fred Meyer’s shelves, it seems to me. But then, I am kind of a prude.

Clearly, social expectations have changed since I last bought an Easter card, which is now beginning to feel like a really long time ago, since I have no conscious recollection of ever seeing this kind of card before. Who knows, maybe someone at American Greetings is seeing a sex therapist, and just wants to show their gratitude?

Sometimes in this busy world, we forget to slow down for the special things that really matter—like having sex.

(Yes, you read that right)

So today I’m just taking a moment to tell you how wonderful it is to have sex with you

For even when we’re apart

(Not long enough, in my opinion)

I’m thinking of sex we had in the past, and looking forward to all the sex we’ve yet to share.

(I’m at a loss for words)

You’re a special person to me, and that’s why having sex with you is so very special, too!

(If someone gave me this card, I’d be so scared)


 

What does she say now? "Gee, thanks!"?

 

I’m trying to visualise the kind of relationship where these sentiments would be necessary. I’m thinking whoever buys this just came out of a sensitivity training seminar, or an intensely sincere marital-repair weekend. Is it a brave new world, I’m wondering, or just a weirder, less pleasant one? Are we leaving behind a time when you could confidently roll on your side, after whispering sweet nothings, knowing that the next morning, you wouldn’t be emotionally blackmailed for not coming up with the appropriate Hallmark greeting card?

I worry for our future as a species sometimes, I really do.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. March 25, 2011 6:27 AM

    Back in the good old bad days wasn’t it simply enough to share a cigarette, let the smoke do the talking?

    Imagine one of these cards turning up in an unexpected place, like lipstick on the collar . . .

  2. L.M.S. permalink
    March 7, 2013 3:01 PM

    I think this card is for the purpose of saying “I’m sooo glad we’re f*** buddies.” And nothing more!

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