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I have to apologize for my hair’s immaturity

February 22, 2011

Me, on a bad hair day. Down, bad hair, down.

I was given the opportunity the other day to purchase shampoo for ‘mature hair.’ I knew immediately that I was not ready for this product.

In fact, my hair is very immature. It does precisely what it wants. No matter what I do or say, nothing can stop it from misbehaving. My hair embarrasses me when we’re out in public. It’s not easy having hair with a will of its own.

My overall immaturity is starting to worry me, too, but how can you even tell when you’re a grownup these days? Everyone listens to rock music really loud, so that no longer indicates a dividing line between adolescence and adulthood. No one wants to look wrinkled, or “shrinkled,” as someone I know says. No one wants to slow down. We all want to live forever, no matter what generation you’re talking about. I fear that I will never grow up, though—that I will slide into old age and die, never having experienced emotional maturity.

Who doesn't want this, all the time?

Is emotional maturity the same as altruism? Isn’t raising a child enough to qualify as altruistic? You’d think that would automatically make me mature, but I’m not.

I’m in those horrible in-between years where I’m no longer young enough to do much of anything interesting, but not old enough to imagine lathering up with shampoo for mature hair, and then hauling my carcass out of the shower to go bake brownies for some grand-baby rug rat who is appallingly small and easy to step on.

In the years between having a child and having it go off on its own, you forget to look down, you see, so you don’t notice live warm beings under your feet. I know this because I keep stepping on the cat, and if I step on the cat without knowing he’s there, that doesn’t bode well for future grandchildren.

When I mention to people my age that their children will start having grandchildren soon enough, they look as though someone just lit them on fire (which, if you haven’t experienced it, means they look shocked and red). Then they leap up, as though they have somewhere else to be. I think they want to run away, just like I do.

When my own child was born, my dad did the same thing, and although I took it badly at the time, now I understand how he felt, the poor old guy. Before she was born, he kept saying things like “are you sure you have to have a kid? Can’t you just get a puppy?” I think he was trying to warn me about something profound that my hair, which doesn’t listen, ignored at the time, but now understands really well.

There's some growing up to do here, I see

Which is that once you have a child, a piece of you is gone and will not be back. Therefore, you better be pretty grownup when that happens, because you will always yearn to go back to the moment in time when you permanently lost your childhood. Having a child means you are forced to give up your own childhood so that your kid can have his or hers. This is an uncomfortable truth that society never talks about, but should, in my hair’s opinion.

Less than 10 years after your child moves out, she will bring you her own child, but you won’t be ready, and your hair will act out. I’ve seen this happen all too often. I think this explains why shampoo for mature hair isn’t selling as well as other types of hair products. Our hair is in denial.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. February 22, 2011 1:45 PM

    The picture of the Mickey Mouse shirts is one of the most disturbing images I have seen in a while. It’s like they put Larry Flynt in charge of the Disney gift shop.

    • February 22, 2011 1:47 PM

      According to the site where I found that, the people involved are not in Disneyland; it’s somewhere else that is clearly ripping off Disney. I believe if you click on that picture, it will take you to the website of origin. It is, nonetheless, one of the weirder images I have seen.

  2. Miranda Remington permalink
    February 23, 2011 8:38 AM

    I would guess that is from Mardi Gras… And even if it was, why the hell would a woman do that in the company of a man who looks suspiciously like it could be her dad? It’s oedipally nauseating.

    • February 23, 2011 8:49 AM

      I think it looks like it’s either her parents or her grandparents. Notice how she is flanked on either side by old people. So you’ve got a case of two crazy old people who still haven’t grown up “taking care of” their younger daughter, or granddaughter, more likely.

      • Miranda Remington permalink
        February 23, 2011 5:34 PM

        You know what is so sad about this (other than the obvious)? This is forever etched on the internet. Forget about the mom (who’s just old enough to pull off the aging, recalcitrant lady routine), this young gal is going to have to explain this to numerous people, like boyfriends, in laws, bosses, maybe her kids… and the list goes on. This is the kind of internet baggage no one wants.

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