Difficult to say…
I started this blog because a friend of mine one day popped up in my inbox with this idea.
He sent me, seemingly out of nowhere, a Wikipedia link to “the blue plate special.”
He said something to the effect of, “I have a feeling you need to know this; I think you can do something with it.”
I had been struggling for a way in to write about myself, because it does not come naturally to me. He had pushed me: “Everyone has a blog about themselves, you write one too!”
These are now extremely painful memories, since my friend committed suicide, and I only found out about it six months after it happened.
There are endless questions, some guilt, some blame at him, at me, at circumstances, at life, and a lot of anger. I have never before known someone near my age—he was only in his 50s—to commit suicide, and now I am even more ambivalent than ever about writing this blog. One could say that perhaps I should continue it in memory to him, since it was his idea, but in fact, one of the things he and I disagreed about was the interest anyone can, or should, have, in the day-to-day ramblings of irritation that this blog too often became.
If you know someone who has committed suicide, and you felt close to them, as I felt to him, then I think you’ll understand. His belief was that people are interested in what other people have to say about aging and getting older, and how one handles that. I can’t tell you how bitterly ironic that thought is to me now. It has taken me almost two months to be able to write about his death, because to write about it is to make it real, it is to inscribe it, it is to be forced, by the action of my own words, to believe it’s true. I have been in denial ever since I found out. I still find it hard to believe.
So, Henry…. these thoughts are for you, but I can’t continue this blog without you, my friend. There is very little point, since you will never read it again, you will never critique it or give me praise, you weren’t alive to read any of the hidden messages I left for you about Paris or Hemingway last summer. It is dreadful having to write on these subjects without you as my reader and my audience.
Regretfully, I will stop, and go back to writing the other subjects that irritated him so much when he was alive, about the things of interest to me, that were not of interest to him.
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest….
my dear friend…
Henry Edmond Sauvageot, 1955 – 2011
Wearing his Saint Exupéry "little prince" scarf in New York, my friend Henry, a dear man, and a good writer who deserved so much more from life
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Of course I can’t say I “like” this post, it is far too heartbreaking to contemplate the loss of anyone so close and so connected. And that this person so chose to end this mortal coil is always so devastating.
I was so excited to have heard from you after so long as I have always enjoyed your writing. You will choose the best path for you to take in due course but I do hope you continue.
My best wishes to you with hopes that your dear friend Henry is at last resting in peace.
Thank you for your thoughts… yes, it’s not really possible to “talk” about it. It’s not really subject for conversation. I’m still trying to come to some kind of understanding of how something so final made sense to him. There is no “blame” at the end of someone’s life, there can only be acceptance. It’s the one thing we have left to give someone who has passed out of the world.
If I can write on this blog in the future, I will, but I have other blogs; one is about the subject of writing, and one is about my side interests. Henry rather deplored my avocation, which is astrology, but… you can’t give up who you are to someone else’s vision of yourself, so… I will continue to write there. It’s less painful, and easier to forget the harsher realities of life, when you’re working on other things of interest that keep you going.
Dear Allison, I was married to Henry in 1981 for about five years. I found out only a few days ago about his passing. Unfortunately, this did not come as a shock to me but it is quite sad news. Do you have any information about his writing, the novels and screenplays? I read a draft of his first novel but I don’t know if he was ever published. Thank you for your blog since it is almost the only thing besides his obituary that I was able to find online about his life since he and I parted ways. Please email me at mgascaz@gmail.com if you wish to share anything more. My condolences.
Margarita